Dear Eric: An acquaintance of mine has a perpetual mindset of “woe is me.”
They have definitely had a hard life: poor family dynamics, health issues, very few friends and a lack of a support system. However, no conversation with them is ever able to go anywhere but through all the hardships they’ve dealt with, past and present.
We only communicate over text now. It’s almost always something negative, and I don’t bother replying. On the rare occasion that it’s something good, like trying a new medication, starting to exercise or getting a job again, I respond with encouragement and praise. But even the good news devolves into more complaints about what isn’t going right.
I know this person is reaching out because they need support. The reason we bonded in the first place was because I have gone through extensive issues of my own that they have also struggled with. It was a relief to have someone who understood those first few months. Now, even the thought of this person exhausts me.
I know I’m not obligated to give more of myself than I can, and that this isn’t a real friendship with the dynamics being the way that they are. Still, I want to be compassionate. Is there any way I can say “I don’t want to interact with you if you’re only going to complain; we could have an actual friendship if we talk about other things!” while still being kind?
—Not Your Therapist
Dear Therapist: Sometimes compassionate friendship means offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board for complaints. But at other times, it means setting a clear boundary so that the friendship can flourish in a healthy way. This is best done in person, or on the phone, rather than by text. But you can and should say “it’s hard for me to only talk about what’s gone wrong. I want to support you, but I’d like to also talk about things that are positive or encouraging to both of us. Would you be open to me redirecting the conversation when it gets too negative?”
Another option, which is useful in all kinds of relationships, is the question “are you looking for advice or do you just need to vent?” At times, the answer is “just vent” and that’s fine. It’s also sometimes appropriate to say, “Roger that. I’m not a good audience for venting right now.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
