Dear Abby: Should I be mad at my parents for missing my daughter’s birthday?

Dear Abby: My husband and I have a beautiful soon-to-be 2-year-old daughter. Before her birth, my parents and his all were eagerly awaiting her arrival and discussing their plans for what life as new grandparents would be. We just “knew” they would be involved so much it would drive us crazy. Instead, it’s the opposite!

My parents work 40-plus hours a week and care for my 5-year-old half-brother, who was recently diagnosed with autism. Naturally, I have to cut them some slack. His parents, on the other hand, aren’t workaholics. They spend their time doing things like spending a couple of weeks on the lake, taking scuba lessons, and participating in a quilting club. They tell us about their fun, then ask how our daughter is. (They haven’t seen her in weeks.)

I know the role of a grandparent has changed. They are getting a taste of freedom from raising children. However, they are not free child care to me. They are my family, and I wanted to see all those plans they had for her before she was born realized.

I am writing this because my parents have just announced they won’t be able to get off work for her birthday party. They knew it was coming, and I know it was possible for them to plan a workaround for the party. I’m heartbroken.

I feel like we are raising our daughter all alone, with no help from family. I’m angry that they are missing out on this wonderful little person and consider other things more important than their grandchild. Am I holding too high a standard for them? Is it wrong that I’m miffed at this?

—Alone in Illinois

Dear Alone: Feelings are neither right nor wrong. I won’t judge you for having them. But ask yourself whether your anger is useful or a detriment to your relationship with your parents and in-laws. Your parents are caring for a child with disabilities, in addition to their full-time jobs. Resenting them for not attending a 2-year-old’s birthday party is a waste of your energy.

Your in-laws, regardless of what they said during your pregnancy, appear to be more centered on themselves than on their grandchild. Regrettable? Yes. But rather than dwell on it, accept it for what it is and move on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.