Asking Eric: How do I navigate feeling left out of my spouse’s new hobbies?

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for more than 50 years and we have recently retired. I was looking forward to the free time to do more of the things we had talked about doing together. We have always been friends as well as spouses.

But it seemed almost immediately that my husband made a bucket list and started doing things he liked or thought he’d like. This includes extreme sports that require a great deal of training time and lessons. Then there are trips to execute the sport.

Whitewater rafting is an example. We live in the desert, and I can’t swim, so I can’t join these activities. I’m happy he’s happy but I’m thinking he’s being a little selfish. I’m also feeling a little left out.

I’ve expressed my concern, but he thinks I’m just being silly, and he doesn’t understand why I feel left out. Is this normal?

—Left at Home

Dear Left at Home: You’re not being silly. Your husband strapped on a life jacket and took off across the desert like the cartoon Road Runner. It’s no wonder you’re feeling left out.

Let’s chalk this up to unideal time management and a zeal for this new phase of life. It’s great that he’s exploring new hobbies, but without a list of shared plans, your emotional bucket is going to feel empty.

Tell him that you don’t begrudge his extreme sports, but you also want to check off some items you can do together. Did you make a list way back when? Pull it out and see what still excites you both. Or make a new list. And then whip out the calendars and start to make a plan.

We communicate what’s valuable to us through how we spend our time. Your shared time together is likely also valuable to him, but it’s going to need a little advocacy. Time may feel abundant right now, but calendars fill up fast.

Also, take some time and make a list of your own. What are the things that you can explore on your own or with friends while he’s paddling through the rapids? Your time is also valuable.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)