Dear Annie: I lost my husband 10 years ago. He was a great man, and we had a good marriage for over 30 years. It took me a while (seven years) to date, and when I did, I met a guy who was seven years older than me and twice divorced, but I was very attracted to him, and he was to me.
We spent six months together, and then I left for the winter, but we flew back and forth and reunited again and it was like no time had passed. Then he found out he had multiple myeloma. His sister called to tell me because I was on a trip and he was in the hospital.
He went through stem cell treatment and was very sick. At one point, he wanted me to take him for a ride and he said he was ready to die. I was there to clean his house and plant his garden. He has rental properties, and when they came up for renewal, he was too sick, so I painted and cleaned them up. I took care of him and was his ONLY constant helpmate through this time. I redid his meds, and I looked for alternatives (which I found, and he is now doing much better).
We do not live together but enjoyed a lot of time together. After three years, last week I got a call from him and he said it’s over. He is 73 years old and said he needed to find himself and what he wants. I was so stunned I was speechless. In the end, all I could say is I have been there through sickness and your darkest times, and he didn’t say anything. I told him, I’m a good woman and you’ll never find another woman like me. I was in love with this man and put my love into action by taking care of him. He told me he loved me as a person but was not in love with me. After three years, I must say I am asking myself if this man truly has a heart. He attends a men’s Bible study and goes to church sometimes.
I’m struggling to figure out how someone can just decide to treat another human who has stood by his side this way. Can this person truly have a heart and soul?
—In Shock
Dear In Shock: The fact that you gave yourself to this guy without receiving anything in return shows how truly selfless and compassionate you are.
Unfortunately, we cannot control how other people respond to changes in their lives. People who are facing serious illness often have a shift in perspective, and it’s possible that he’s fighting an internal battle that he hasn’t communicated. And don’t forget, the fact that he is twice-divorced shows that he has been unable to maintain a lasting relationship. That’s him, not you.
While this relationship didn’t go the way you might have hoped, that doesn’t diminish the strength and loyalty you’ve shown. You deserve to be with someone who values that.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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