Dear Annie: I’ve been friends with “Martha” for 42 years. I’ve always considered our friendship volatile, but I’ve excused her behavior due to her difficult upbringing. As we’ve grown up, not much has changed. She gets angry over nothing and stops speaking to me for sometimes months at a time. As children, it was about things like me making other friends or taking different classes. In adulthood, it’s been more about lifestyle differences, like her changing religions again and again or becoming vegan, and me not cutting ties with people whose views or habits she disagrees with. Despite all this, I’ve always considered her family.
We are both single mothers and had our youngest children in our 40s; mine is 14 and hers is 11. A few years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a wealthy uncle. At the time, she told me that if the inheritance was significant, she would share some with me because, as she said, “We are family.” I thanked her but told her I didn’t expect anything.
Unfortunately, we weren’t speaking when she got the money because of one of these temporary fallings-out, so I didn’t know how much she received, but it was life-changing. She bought herself a house, multiple cars, a condo for her eldest son, and gave her adult children large sums of money. We both have struggled financially, so I was genuinely happy for her and never brought up the offer she had made to give me some of it.
Later, when we started talking again, she told me again that I was family and if I ever needed anything, I should ask. I made it clear I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted she loves me, I’m family, and it’s what she wanted me to do.
Fast forward to about a year ago, my youngest son became self-conscious about his crooked teeth and basically quit smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help with aligners but I couldn’t get the financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but she’d repeatedly told me she wanted to be there for me and I stupidly believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 to cover the treatment and promised to repay her. She agreed immediately and told me I didn’t have to, saying, “You’re family and I’m glad to give it to you.” I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally in tears, and told her I would repay it, but she insisted I didn’t need to.
Now, about a year later, she’s upset with me over political differences. She recently sent me a hurtful message saying I was selfish and that by asking for that money, I was willing to disrespect her to do something for my “real family.” I reminded her of her repeated offers and she said she didn’t expect me to actually ask to borrow money and certainly not for so much if I did. She said my request caused her to be $2,000 short of buying another house, which seems unlikely to me, and I believe her anger is more about our political differences.
I’m torn. Part of me wants to sever ties, send her the $2,000 and move on having learned a painful lesson at the cost of a 42-year friendship. But the other part wants to forgive her, repay the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad, ashamed for asking her for help, and like I should have known better. No matter how hard life gets, I never ask for help, and this is a very harsh reminder why.
—Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: True, meaningful friendship shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster, where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even when you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and she becomes angry again.
Send her the money back, if you’re financially able to, and distance yourself from this toxicity. Just because you’ve been friends this long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay and be mistreated.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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