Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 11 years now. We still enjoy each other’s company a lot and laugh together all the time. I really do love him. However, he is terrible at special occasions (birthday, Mother’s Day, et cetera).
Over the years, I have tried significantly lowering my expectations. I’ve realized that I have to say exactly what I want, plan it myself, and let go of any notion that I’ll be made to feel special on these days.
For gifts, I will literally send him links to what I want, and he will still manage to buy the wrong thing. On my most recent birthday, the day came, and I’d just asked that everyone either write or choose a poem about any topic to share. My husband worked with my oldest daughter, who wrote a very lovely poem, but then completely ignored the rest of the request that everyone in the family have something to share.
Some version of this happens every special occasion, and I’m so drained from it. I dread these days now knowing that despite all the effort and work that I put into everyone else’s special days, I will receive the bare minimum, and even that will go wrong.
The worst part is that my husband feels like he is trying his best and is really putting in a lot of extra effort on these days and is upset when I get upset that he hasn’t actually fully followed through on any of the (few, simple, and clear) requests that I’ve made for the day.
I want to just opt out of all of it, but I can’t. How do I let go of this building resentment and knowledge that I just can never expect him to see anything through when it comes to these days?
—Uncelebrated
Dear Uncelebrated: You write that you can’t opt out, but can’t you? It might come across as petty behavior at first, but if you can’t be clear about what you want and don’t want on a day meant to celebrate you, when can you?
Your frustration is valid. While gift-giving isn’t everyone’s gift, a relationship is dependent on hearing and being heard. If he’s not actually listening to what you’re asking for, it makes sense that you’d feel resentful.
The communication part of this is something you two should talk through separately—perhaps with a professional. The gift business is likely a symptom, not the whole problem. Each person in the partnership feels that she/he is being clear and responding reasonably. And yet there’s a disconnect. That’s worth digging into without the specter of every underwhelming special occasion hanging over the conversation.
It’s also important that you feel celebrated and valued.
Are there others close to you who are good at making a special day brighter? Are you especially good at celebrating yourself? Having something positive that doesn’t let you down may help you feel less resentful as your husband works on his skills.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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