Dear Readers: On Sept. 23, I published two letters from older adults experiencing loneliness (“Still Grieving” and “Wants a Connection”). I asked those of you who have successfully found connection at a later stage in life to write in.
And write in you did! I received so many wonderful letters, full of anecdotes and suggestions, that I’m splitting them into two columns. Some today and some next Saturday, Nov. 9. Hopefully, these will inspire new connections at any stage of life.
Dear Eric: I left a marriage of 35 years, retired and moved to a new town. For one year I went to every fundraiser hosted by the area’s nonprofit to determine “who are my people?” At the fundraiser for our local music venue, I entered the Photo Booth to have my picture taken. To my surprise, the photographer, also recently divorced and new in town, was taken by my smile. It’s been eight years of happy times, getting to discover the area together.
—Unexpected Profit
Dear Unexpected: “Who are my people?” is such an important question! Love this way of finding them.
Dear Eric: “Still Grieving” stated that he was a secular humanist, so church was off the table. Not so at all! The Unitarian Universalist church has no theology, requires no belief in anything, supports each member on whatever spiritual path they happen to be on (or not on). No Bible readings, hymns about love and support and nature but not God. There are atheists, Buddhists, humanists, agnostics, earth-based spiritualists, people just looking for community.
—UU Community
Dear UU: Good point. Many Unitarians reached out to me.
Dear Eric: One month after my dear dog died, I felt I urgently needed another dog. One day, after adopting my new dog, I was on a website for cities and neighborhoods to post events. The first post I saw was “Looking for a puppy for my puppy to play with.” In short, the woman had the same breed of dog, which was a month older than mine, and lived walking distance from my house. All four of us have been best friends ever since. I am certain that my dog and my friend were heaven sent.
—Dog Delight
Dear Delight: Pets can provide wonderful companionship, as well as connect us to others.
Dear Eric: In our 70s, my husband and I moved into an independent living apartment in a 400-person Continuing Care Retirement Community with lecture series, musical programs (mainly classical), and a multitude of activities from climate advocacy to painting to exercise classes to poker.
—Aging Well
Dear Aging Well: Many wrote about the numerous benefits of their retirement community, as well as organizations like the Village Movement for older adults living alone.
Dear Eric: There are Senior Centers in nearly every town and here in Colorado, the members are in catalogs filled with opportunities. I started line dancing and met so many new friends! Our seniors sign up for hikes, trips to so many local locations and events and plays and restaurants that it would take me 40 pages to list them all. Get out of your house and get out of your comfort zone.
—Always Active
Dear Always Active: Dancing came up in a lot of answers, especially square dancing and line dancing. People love the opportunity to meet people and the benefits for mental acuity.
Dear Eric: I decided to try an online dating site for seniors. By coincidence, my now-husband was on the same dating site, albeit more than 900 miles away in a different state. Despite the physical distance, we each felt a connection that grew stronger with regular emails. We actually bought our present home together before we had met in person a mere six weeks after our first email. We did “see” each other as we Skyped nightly and exchanged regular emails. Finally, after three months, he packed his van, and we moved in together. That was three years ago. I am now 85 and he is 84. Yesterday, we bought a new car together which may be our very last car, but that’s OK as the future is now, not someday.
—Crossing the Distance
Dear Crossing: What a lovely sentiment. Finding connection through online sites—many folks also talked about Match.com—proved to be the key for a lot of folks.
Dear Eric: Last winter, I enrolled in a film developing class at the junior college. Everyone in the class could’ve been my grandchild, age-wise. It was fun to be around young people. One in particular, a high school senior, introduced herself to me early on and we bonded over photography and writing. She moved her seat next to mine. Nine months later and class long gone, we are still friends.
—Friendship Developing
Dear Friendship: I adore this—lifelong learning and intergenerational friendship.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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