Dear Eric: A few months ago, I reached out to my sister with concerns about our two brothers. Her response minimized my concerns and focused on her and her issues. I replied to her negative response with my own snappiness.
She sent screenshots of the things I said about our brothers to them. They were, understandably, upset with me, but I’ve made amends with both of them.
She hasn’t spoken to me since then. I wrote her a letter asking her to meet with me so we could see how we put this argument behind us. No acknowledgment or response. She has two teen children who I’ve kept in touch with, and she hasn’t acknowledged milestones in my young adult children’s lives. What can I do to reconnect?
—Snubbed Sister
Dear Sister: It sounds like your sister is more interested in stirring up drama than in forging meaningful connections, so I’m not sure there’s a way for you to force her to change right now. In the relatively short history of text messaging, sending screenshots of a text conversation to the subject of the conversation has rarely been used as a tool of de-escalation.
It’s notable that she’s also cutting herself off from your kids. So, if we’re keeping score (generally not helpful in families, but perhaps illustrative here) — she’s stoked conflict with your brothers, ghosted you, and purposefully deprived herself of a relationship with her nieces/nephews. This sounds like someone with a lot of hurt or a lot of pettiness. Or both.
She’s got a grievance that is probably not limited to this exchange. So, your instinct to reconcile is the right one. But she has to make different choices in order for that to happen. If she’s not ready or willing, then you just have to wait and try again down the road.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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