Dear Annie: When I was 17 years old, I met a lovely guy here in Canada. We met through a mutual acquaintance. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we went our separate ways.
Then, in 1992, I moved to Portugal. I was 20 years old. He was 25. He was in Portugal on vacation in 1993 and looked me up. He was living in Germany at the time. We dated for two years but again went our separate ways due to a misunderstanding. I returned to Canada in 1996, and he returned to Germany. His native country is Portugal.
Last year, I found him on Facebook. We connected and noted our circumstances were similar — never married and no children. He was still living in Germany. But we decided to meet in Portugal this year. I met him again in April this year and am going back for another trip soon (yes, very expensive for flights and car rentals).
However, I thought perhaps we were meant to be, as we keep meeting. But after some deliberation and some chats, I realized he will not leave Germany until retirement, and I’m not leaving Canada. I have a great job and a great pension and have no intention of moving to Portugal or Germany. Canada is home.
How do I address this matter with him? I know he doesn’t want to come to Canada.
Also, we’re two very different people with completely different interests.
On occasion, he has belittled my interests as being of no importance. I do woodworking in my spare time, and he keeps addressing it as if it’s a joke.
And he wants us to text EVERY SINGLE DAY. He keeps me on for about two to three hours. I’ve tried telling him that I have to go, as I have stuff to do, and he questions what I have to do that’s more important than him. But it’s not about what’s important; it’s that I can’t keep up with my housework or woodworking. He implies I sit around all day and says I have time to sit on the phone with him.
I realize I have allowed this behavior, but I didn’t realize it would still be like this. At first, I thought it was because he was eager to get to know me, but now I’m not so sure.
And as for the meeting in Portugal for vacation, this is becoming very expensive for me. And he didn’t want me to rent a car, saying he would drive me to where I needed to go. But I feel that I’ll be waiting around for whenever he’s available.
And I’ve invited him to come with me to meet some uncles and friends in Portugal, and he refuses to come, saying instead that he’ll drop me off and then pick me up. I think that’s rude on his part when my uncles and friends have invited him as well.
I’m very confused about this. I’m older and perhaps I should know better, but I was hoping for some advice…
—Red Flags or Overreacting
Dear Red Flags: There are many ingredients to a successful relationship. One of them is chemistry, which it seems like you have with this guy. But there are many others, too — timing, empathy, willingness to compromise.
If he’s so stuck in his own ways that he refuses to budge to make room for you, then it probably won’t work. Unless, of course, you want to give up your pension, give up your hobbies and move to Germany.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com .
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