Dear Eric: My husband and I dated long distance for a year before we married. During this time, he told me he had post-SSRI syndrome. After stopping the medication, he could still “perform” but no longer desires sex. He said before the SSRI his drive was fine.
While we were dating this seemed OK because, although infrequent, he seemed like he was enjoying sex. Then we got married. After 11 months without sex, we went to see a therapist where it came out that he actually didn’t like having sex when we were dating. He was never really into it. He’s just not able to feel desire anymore. He’s tried sex-enhancement drugs, Wellbutrin, herbal supplements, therapists, testosterone. Nothing has worked.
We are both still in our 20s and I am undecided about children. I’d never heard of this syndrome before, but after researching it, it doesn’t seem that uncommon. I love my husband. Do you have any advice on how to cope with this?
—Depressed Desire
Dear Desire: It sounds like marriage (and therapy) allowed your husband enough comfort to stop performing his enjoyment. Try to see his honesty as an invitation to be honest about how you feel as well.
Is sex with your husband a key component of your ideal marriage? Is sex with you a key component of his ideal marriage? Ask yourself; ask him. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Hiding parts of yourself will just lead to resentment.
It may seem like the answers to these questions are obvious, but every marriage is unique. Your letter shows empathy and a willingness to learn and adjust; that’s a wonderful gift and you may be able to use it to create the marriage that you want.
This is likely as confusing for him as it is for you. There are still a lot of unknowns about post-selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) syndrome. A 2023 study estimated that roughly 4 out of every 100,000 people who took SSRIs developed sexual dysfunction after taking them. A 2006 study put the number at 5 percent to 15 percent. He’s not alone, but he may feel like he is.
On the logistical side, your husband’s post-SSRI syndrome doesn’t preclude having kids. If you two decide to try for a family, everything you’ve written indicates he would be willing and able to participate.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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