Dear Eric: I’m responding to the letter from “Conflicted Ex.” Please encourage the ex to request ongoing welfare checks on the little girl when she is with her father. If he is willing to abuse his ex during a pickup, you can only imagine what he is capable of doing behind closed doors. That little girl should not be with an abuser, period.
— Concerned Reader
Dear Reader: Thank you for raising this point. Any visits, ideally, would be in the presence of a court-appointed monitor to ensure that the daughter is safe.
Dear Eric: Thank you for your wise response to “Conflicted.” I just wanted to add a note: As a victim of abuse when I was a toddler, it was my parents’ inability to say anything negative about my abuser that really distorted my sense of right, wrong, and healthy boundaries as I grew up. If a compassionate, present parent could have said, “What he did was wrong and I am going to do what I can to protect you from that,” it would have helped my growing mind. I encourage “Conflicted” to help her little one develop an ability to recognize and condemn abusive behavior in age-appropriate ways.
— Solidarity
Dear Solidarity: Thank you for sharing, and I’m so sorry you experienced this.
Dear Eric: In most state laws, domestic violence of the mother is considered irrelevant to the safety of the children. Your advice to “Conflicted” sets her up for consequences from a court, even possibly going as far as losing custody for alienating the child from her father.
I was the director of a domestic violence center and later a divorce lawyer for many years. My own ex was violent with me, and I feared that he would be with our children. I had to find creative ways to keep my children safe until they were old enough to make their own decisions about seeing their dads (age 18).
— Divorce Lawyer Who Has Been There
Dear Lawyer: Thank you for this guidance. This question generated a lot of feedback and the last thing I want to do is steer the letter writer wrong because of laws that are poorly written.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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