Dear Eric: My daughter is having her fourth child. She wants to name him after her brother who died of suicide three years ago. I’m not sure I’m ready for that but everyone says let her commemorate her brother. I don’t know how I’ll feel holding this baby and calling him by my son’s name. It still hurts and I cry when I think about him. I don’t want that feeling passed to my grandson unintentionally.
— Still Grieving
Dear Grieving: I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring. Grief’s shadow is always longer than we think it will be. It comes at us, seemingly, out of nowhere sometimes.
Your daughter is processing her grief by keeping your son’s name alive. That’s a lovely gesture—but it also makes sense that it doesn’t work for you right now.
Asking her to choose another name for her son won’t solve anything for either of you — but see if you can come up with a nickname that you can call him. Ask for her help and blessing in this. Maybe it’s his middle name or maybe it’s something else altogether. You and your daughter can create something special that holds space for your grief while making room for the love you’ll have for your grandson.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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