Dear Eric: My father-in-law is in a relationship with a person that makes staying at his home during a visit an awful experience for me, my husband and our kids. My husband is not one to confront and is simply too kind and shy to stand up to this woman who has taken over hosting.
He also does not have open communication with his father to let him know his feelings or what has occurred during our visits. She doesn’t even live there but makes him feel an unwelcome guest in his own childhood home. My memories of the last couple holiday visits are primarily negative because of her.
I want to stay elsewhere this time around to try to make it a more positive experience for us and our kids. If we stay elsewhere the whole family will know I’m the one making that decision.
Should I just do the same as my husband would otherwise do or simply tell my father-in-law we are staying elsewhere this time around without giving a reason. I do not feel it is my place to discuss the issues about this woman with him so I feel I cannot be honest.
— Fed-Up Visitor
Dear Visitor: If I had a family crest, it would read “No more sufferfests!” No more grinning and bearing it at the vacation rental no one actually likes or doing the holiday tradition that makes everyone miserable. No more sufferfests!
Give yourself the gift of staying somewhere else. I wish your husband felt comfortable standing up for himself, but I’m glad that you’re willing to advocate for everyone’s happiness at least.
Tell your father-in-law that you decided to try something new, but if he asks, tell him the truth. You’re family, too, and his partner’s behavior affects you, also. It could also provide an opportunity to make sure he’s OK, that she’s not running roughshod over what he wants or treating him badly in other ways.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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