Dear Annie: I’m hurt and angry. My son and daughter-in-law will not let me see my grandchildren. It has been five years since I last saw them.
This all started after I had a fight with my daughter-in-law when my son lost his job. She demanded that I help him financially, but my finances were such that I could not afford to do so. At that time, she said some very mean things about my son. I got angry and stuck up for my son. Well, that did not go over well. They both asked me to leave their home, which they shared with my daughter-in-law’s parents.
Now my son says that I ruined his life when I divorced his father over 10 years ago.
I have only seen my grandchildren two times in the past five years — at my daughter’s wedding and my mom’s funeral. I’m getting older, 69, and miss seeing my grandchildren grow up.
— Tired and Hurt
Dear Tired and Hurt: Hurt people hurt people, and your son is hurting. Your daughter-in-law was afraid and hurting when her husband lost his job. There is a lot of fear and hurt going on. Instead of talking about those feelings, people are just saying mean and hurtful things to each other. It really gets you nowhere. Try to keep the dialog open with your son and daughter-in-law about how you feel. Make “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
For instance, it is OK to say, “I feel tired and hurt, and I have a lot of love to give to both of you and the children.” It is not OK to say, “You did this wrong” or, “You were mean when talking about my son.” Good luck.
Dear Annie: I saw your response to “Stuck on Snapchat’s” question, and as a rising senior who hasn’t used social media since sophomore year, it does get easier and less stressful. My go-to response when people ask why I don’t use social media is simply, “It was horrible for my mental health and always seemed to make life harder for me,” and most people take that as a reasonable answer. I won’t go into the full details, but social media, ESPECIALLY Snapchat, got me into some trouble when I was younger, and I really don’t think it’s as great of a platform as it’s hyped up to be.
Besides, anyone who pressures you for not having Snapchat probably doesn’t have the greatest intentions. Stay safe and off Snapchat; you’ll find your people. High school can be difficult, but as someone who’s almost done, here’s some advice:
No. 1: Don’t let people peer pressure you into ANYTHING; stand your ground firmly on what you believe in. If you don’t, it can lead you down a road you don’t want to go down.
No. 2: You don’t have to be friends with everyone. It’s all right to dislike people.
No. 3: Don’t put popularity above academics.
No. 4: Don’t dismiss red flags in ANY relationship, whether it be a friend or a partner. Don’t ever ignore red flags because you love someone. If that person doesn’t appreciate you for you, it’s easier to cut things off earlier rather than later.
No. 5: And last but not least, don’t stress too much.
No matter how hard things get, there’s one quote I live by: “It’ll all be OK in the end; if it’s not OK, then it’s not the end.”
Good luck in high school; I believe in you!
— Advice From A High School Senior
Dear High School Senior: You are wise beyond your years. Thank you for your letter. I hope it helps others in similar situations.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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