Dear Eric: When I was in my very early 20s, some 27 years ago, I “dabbled” in drugs. My car was stolen one night, and with it my drugs. I didn’t know what to do, fearing I would be arrested myself for the drugs.
I had to come clean to my dad, the owner of the car. He called his attorney and then the cops. The attorney told us to keep quiet about the drugs, don’t answer any questions other than the car theft, and if directly asked about the drugs, to refer the questions to him.
The thief was apprehended by the police. They searched my car and found the drugs. The thief was adamant they weren’t his. When they questioned me, I panicked and lied, denying all knowledge of them. The thief ended up getting charged for my drugs and received an additional two years.
He went to jail; I went on “vacation” to a very private drug rehab clinic. I’ve been clean ever since. I try not to think of it anymore but occasionally I do and have a great deal of remorse about it. Coming clean all these years later to the cops doesn’t make sense, not that I could even be charged all these years later. An apology to this car thief (who had a significant arrest history, including for drugs) doesn’t sound like a good idea either. Any advice on how to put this behind me?
— Reformed Remorse
Dear Remorse: I’m a little curious about why the apology is a no-go for you. Yes, his actions and your actions put him in jail, so he’s not a blameless victim. But you played a crucial role. If you want to make amends, an apology is how you start. You may not want to get involved in this person’s life again, but the fact is you have been for the last 27 years.
Look, it doesn’t come without its risks. He could be angry; he could lash out. But he could also be understanding or forgiving or phlegmatic.
One way to put this behind you is to just forgive yourself and move on. That’s also an option. You made a mistake and took the advice you were given. But I think this other person is going to keep riding around in the passenger seat of your guilt until you address it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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