Dear Eric: I had a very close relationship with my father, until he remarried in my mid-20’s. When he remarried, he told my brother and me that we would be excluded from his trust. He stated that he had raised us and was done with any financial support.
Since then, we have had a superficial relationship at times, and a conflicted one at others. His wife has manipulated him and alienated him from all extended family members over the course of the last couple of decades.
He is now 82, in poor health and has been dumped in an assisted living facility by his much younger wife. He expects me to assist him with many tasks, such as transportation to medical appointments. I live an hour away, and still have my own children at home to care for.
My resentment prevents me from having any desire to help him. How do I make peace with setting boundaries to protect myself, and deal with the guilt tripping that comes with it? How do I let my resentments go, so that when he passes, I will be at peace?
— Taken for Granted
Dear Granted: Often guilt trips are the last resort of a person who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions or wants. Remember that this is someone who isn’t communicating with you fairly or clearly.
That doesn’t have to be your inheritance, though.
Now is the time to have an honest conversation about how your relationship changed, how it affected you, and what you’re doing in the present to protect yourself.
He may never be ready for this conversation. But you need to say your peace, unapologetically hold your boundaries and ask your questions while you have the chance.
You can’t change the past — the way that your relationship deteriorated, your feelings about the trust, the trouble with his wife. You also can’t change him — his expectations, any cruelty or coldness.
Furthermore, it’s not your responsibility to untangle messes he’s made. Where is his wife? What’s become of the trust? It’s possible he’s a victim of financial elder abuse. There are resources for him, the Department of Health and Human Services’ Eldercare Locator, (800-677-1116). You can point him in the direction of a solution, while maintaining your boundary.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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