Dear Eric: My husband and I don’t want material gifts for our kids’ birthdays or Christmas. We would encourage donations to their 529 accounts or “experiences.”
We still intend to have birthday parties with decorations and a cake — they are one and a half and four years old. To us, giving gifts on specific days is obligatory, and even well-behaved children come to learn to expect them. We would prefer to give gifts throughout the year and attribute it to signs of maturity.
We are facing extreme backlash from family members. My mom grew up in a culture that didn’t celebrate birthdays, so she always envisioned making a big deal about birthdays for her grandkids.
My husband’s family is very traditional. We had a huge Christmas debacle years ago when we asked for no gifts since we lived abroad at that time. We received a hefty gift card and decided to return it out of principle, but it was not a pretty scene after that.
Are we supposed to blindly follow traditions just to keep the peace? Are we bad parents for trying to avoid materialism and change expectations regarding gifts? Should we continue to let people give gifts under their terms just to make them happy? But if we let everyone do what they want when they want, how do we incorporate our views of trying to parent our kids in the way that we think is best?
— Present Outliers
Dear Outliers: In your desire to be responsible parents — which is commendable — you may be also trying to parent your parents.
What can you control in this situation and what’s necessary for you to control? Your kids are young enough, especially the youngest, that if a grandparent descends bearing a wrapped box, you simply don’t have to give it to them or you can save it for a non-birthday time, as per your parenting style.
I worry that this is about the family dynamic more than parenting, given the debacle with the gift card that occurred pre-kids. Part of this is about principle, but an equal part is about seeing the relationships for what they are and communicating from a generative place.
Trying to get your family’s full buy-in is not going to happen. You’ve set the boundary, so stop debating it with them. Focus on what’s possible.
With all the parameters, is it clear to your folks when they should give material gifts? If it’s never, that’s fine. But if there is a chance to give them throughout the year, tell them specifically when.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
