DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something woman who has recently become disabled. I use a wheelchair. Some days, my body works; other days, it doesn’t. But walking any distance causes me to have seizures. I look fairly healthy to anyone who isn’t close to me, but I’m not.
About a year into my disability, my husband and I had to move in with my dad so he could help care for me. Dad does all the shopping and errands, and my husband works full time. I rarely leave the house. On days when I’m feeling really good, I go shopping with Dad. He’s in his 70s, but has no problem pushing me in my wheelchair.
The issue is, I get dirty looks from other elderly people who see an old man pushing what looks like a healthy younger person. I don’t feel I should have to explain why I use a wheelchair. However, it’s starting to really upset me that the few times a month when I get out, I get dirty looks.
Those people are seeing me on my best days. I’m hoping you can spread the word that some disabilities are invisible, and that it’s OK to use a wheelchair if needed.
— PUSHED AROUND IN IDAHO
DEAR PUSHED: Some people do take advantage of disabled parking, and it’s not surprising that able-bodied folks are offended by it. HOWEVER, as you so clearly stated, not everyone’s disability is obvious. Some healthy-looking individuals have heart problems or balance issues (among others), which is why it is wrong to assume anything about anyone you don’t know. When people give you dirty looks because your father is assisting you, simply smile and ignore them.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old wife and mother of three children under 3. While I love my husband and children, I’m struggling to find myself and what I like to do. When I wake up, I don’t think about myself and what I need. Instead, I feel guilty and selfish when I do think about myself. It’s hard for me to focus on work because of the needs of the house.
I’m the second oldest of 10, and from a young age I’ve had the responsibility of taking care of others. I never realized it would affect me this much. How do I find the balance to make time for myself and my family without feeling guilty?
— HANDS FULL IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HANDS FULL: Please stop beating yourself up for the feelings you are experiencing. You are not the only young mother who has them. You have had three children in three years, and some of those feelings may be hormonal. If you haven’t discussed them with your doctor, you should. If you don’t want more children in the near future, talk with them about that as well.
Because you took care of your younger siblings for years, could some of them give you a hand now? Are there any other relatives who could ease the responsibility you have taken on? As your babies grow older, you will have time to explore more opportunities for yourself.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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