DEAR ABBY: My mother, who is 69, recently moved close to where my wife and I live to be near us as she ages. On the whole, this has been great for all of us. Mom is in good health and still very active. She walks every day and takes care of her house and garden. We see her often.
The problem is, she is very resistant to meeting new people or going out without us. She says she will never find friends as good as the ones she left behind, so it’s not worth trying. We encouraged her to join the senior center, which she did, but she quit after a month, saying the people there are “too old.”
I took her to church, but after the second Sunday, she announced she’s not going back. My wife tried to get her to join a club or volunteer at our kids’ school, but Mom said she doesn’t like to be on a schedule. Several neighbors invited her over, but she always makes excuses to decline. I think they have stopped asking.
Because she’s independent, this isn’t a big deal now. But I’m worried that if she doesn’t get to know people while she’s still active, we’ll be her only source of support as she ages.
You often ask if older parents are experiencing a change of personality caused by old age or dementia, and I don’t think this is the case here. Mom’s always been shy. Now she’s shy and stubborn. What are my options?
— LOOKING OUT FOR MOM IN CHICAGO
DEAR LOOKING OUT: Among my first thoughts is that your mother isn’t the independent person you described, and she’s setting herself up to be completely dependent upon you and your wife for social interaction. It isn’t healthy for ANY of you.
Before she isolates herself further than she already has, sit her down and tell her directly that you do not want this to happen and that she MUST make more of an effort to interact with others. While relationships are not interchangeable, she once had a social life, and she will again IF she makes an effort.
If her shyness prevents her from easily conversing with strangers, suggest that she volunteer at an animal shelter. That way she will be out of the house, interacting with others and not solely dependent on you.
DEAR ABBY: My friend “Sally” has been dating this guy for 10 years. Their relationship has been rocky from the beginning, and he doesn’t seem to want to commit. He acts like he doesn’t want to even BE with her, spending time only when it’s convenient for him.
He has put Sally through a lot. He was involved with this other woman. He said it was because she knew some things about him and was holding it against him and he couldn’t tell my friend. I think he’s a narcissist. What advice can you give her?
— ASKING FOR A FRIEND
DEAR ASKING: Knowing that the most unwanted advice is that which is unasked for, I would wait until the next time Sally complains about the treatment this man has given her for the last 10 years. Then I would suggest that she talk with a licensed mental health professional about how to rebuild her self-esteem.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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