Dear Annie: “John,” my 40-year-old fiance (only child) has boundary issues with his parents. They come over to his house approximately five days per week. The pretext is that they walk his dog. But here’s the thing: John works a cushy job from home. (Walk your own dog!) Here’s the other thing: they don’t just walk the dog. They load the dishwasher, vacuum, do yard work, write his grocery list, etc. They even go into his bedroom without asking to change the bedspread. They show up announced and walk right in like they own the place without ringing the doorbell.
John’s parents are in their 70s. I told him that this is embarrassing and that he should be going over to THEIR house (10 minutes away) to help THEM with chores. I’ve brought up how it bothers me numerous times, and every time he shrugs it off like it’s no big deal and says that he doesn’t mind their help. I told him that it makes me feel like he can’t take care of himself and I’m worried if he can’t stand up to them now, he won’t in the future once we’re married either.
Today I was over and said I would walk the dog instead, so he told his parents not to come over. Instead, his dad showed up insisting that he had thawed a bone for the dog and had to give it to her today. I told John: your parents don’t respect you or our relationship. They are treating you like a baby, and you are letting them. If they love you and want the best for you, they will back off if you tell them that their hovering is keeping you from moving forward in the next stage of your life. They won’t love you any less! He is a great guy and my best friend, but his inability to stand up to his parents is such a turn off and red flag in my opinion. Help! What should I do?
— Help
Dear Help: This situation sounds like it’s almost a win-win; John’s parents get to see more of him, and you both get help with household chores. John may have an inability to stand up to his parents, as you say, but he also may just appreciate the help or enjoy having them pop in. The problem lies in the fact that they have no respect for your privacy.
Explain to John that you appreciate his parents’ help, but they need to start ringing the doorbell, giving notice before they come over, staying out of your bedroom, etc. Together, you can explain these new ground rules to his parents, letting them know how much you value them but how necessary it is for newlyweds to have privacy and control over their home.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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