Dear Annie: I grew up with my mom. My father and I have always had a strained relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic. He says she wouldn’t let me see him, but I remember him forgetting my birthday, promising to visit but not showing and telling me he’s too busy. He once left me sitting on a doorstep, fully dressed for a father-daughter dance that he changed his mind about. My aunts and uncles have told him that how he treats me is awful.
Some years ago, I tried to repair the relationship after finding out he lived nearby. He seemed mellower, though I still had to do most of the reaching out.
I’m planning my wedding. During planning, he offered to pay for the venue. He did pay the deposit, but ghosted me on the rest, leaving me with a surprise bill. I still thanked him because I know he wanted to help and it was a gift.
He stopped responding two months ago. I found out from someone else he’s mad that I didn’t want to do some of the traditional American wedding things, such as being walked down the aisle by my father. I asked him before I made the decision, and he said he didn’t care. Now he’s telling everyone I used him for money and that I’m conspiring to take away “his rights” and that he won’t come.
I’m hurt and tired. When is it OK to give up on someone who’s so OK trying to hurt me and tell everyone else how awful I am?
— Disappointed Daughter
Dear Disappointed Daughter: Your father has continuously disappointed you. He sounds like a man who was very sick with the disease of alcoholism. Now that he is sober, he is trying to make amends and expecting you to forget about all the hurt he caused you when you were younger.
Keep in mind that hurt people hurt people, and you are both very hurt. Of course, because you are the child, you have more of a “right” to be hurt, but your dad is still a human being and is hurt that he won’t be able to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Ask yourself if you can forgive him for all of his neglect. You would not be doing it for him but to free yourself of all the hurt. If you are able to do that, then have an open and honest conversation with him about the past. At that point, it’s your decision how much you feel comfortable having him involved with your wedding. But the repairing of the relationship will make both of you feel better. Best of luck.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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