Dear Eric: I am 75; my brother is three years older. I’m dying of Stage 4 renal cancer that has metastasized. Before that, I tried many ways and many times to explain why I didn’t like spending time with him.
I don’t like the person he is. I didn’t like his parenting that was demeaning to his adopted son, nor that he said my stepchildren weren’t “real” because they weren’t adopted.
He has gaslighted and demeaned me our whole lives.
When I had open heart surgery, my then-wife asked me to tell him not to come in so she could have quiet time to contemplate; he showed up and kept talking to her for four hours.
In each instance, he turned the conversation to how hurt he was by my reasons. Instead of recognizing my concerns he demanded apologies.
As I’m circling the drain, I really don’t want to waste energy with him.
He wants to keep getting together and, when we do, he calls my ex to complain that I seem distant. Really, I’m dying and don’t want to be there.
— Distant Brother
Dear Brother: No matter how much time any of us has, life is too short to waste on people who don’t respect our boundaries.
You’ve been clear with your brother, and he continues to ignore your boundaries and those of the people around you. You don’t owe him anything.
And you don’t have to get together with him anymore. That part is over.
Tell your ex-wife to stop taking his calls. If you have a close relationship with her, she may even take on some of the burden of shielding you from your brother’s invitations. Lean on your support network here.
If you want to mark a formal end to the relationship with your brother, write a letter. But this is likely to invite more conversation and I’m doubtful more conversation will get you anywhere.
Better to spend your time doing things that bring you peace and joy — away from him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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