Dear Annie: I have been divorced for 11 years. I have two daughters in their 20s, living mostly at home, and I just started dating a few years back. I was in a two-year relationship that I ended (because, among other reasons, he wanted me to spend all my weekends at his place), and I went back online and met the new Mr. last May.
We seemed to get along great. I mistakenly invited him to my house (when both girls were there) after only the third date — and it was a disaster. They did not like him at all, so I ended up spending more time at his place. Both girls say they feel uncomfortable around him. They say he doesn’t treat me nicely, that he is loud and has foul language.
Since I commute almost four hours daily and he has a place near where I work, it is kind of convenient for me to spend many nights at his house. I do like to spend the weekends at my house (especially now in the summer, since I have a pool). The Mr. has three motorcycles and that is his way to get around. I’m not a big fan — I’m actually scared — I have had two motorcycle accidents (which he said were my fault).
I invited him over last weekend, and it was another disaster. Both girls are extremely angry at me. They come into the house, do not talk to me or him, slam doors and send me text messages saying how much they disapprove of me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’m sure I can’t go on like this, but I’m not sure what to do — tell my kids to move out (one is still a full-time student), spend the weekends in my house without him, spend the weekends with him at his house?
There are also other red flags to add to this: He is still married (over 10 years, supposedly for financial reasons); he doesn’t have a fixed job; he is not in touch with his six kids from previous relationships; he dreams big (that he will sail around the world while being a financial trader); and he constantly tells me that he is the only one helping me, that he is fixing me and how much better I already have gotten since he “worked on” me. Also that I am fat and that I would look so much better if I would lose weight. In the meantime, he is limping, overweight and has broken front teeth. Am I blind, stupid or is there any good in this relationship?
Thankful for any advice.
— Walking on Eggshells
Dear Walking on Eggshells: To answer your question, no, there is nothing good in this relationship. You’ve rattled off a laundry list of faults in your new “Mr.” — any one of which could disqualify him from earning the title of a good partner. Perhaps most concerning is the fact that he is distancing you from your daughters; don’t forget that they will model their future relationships after yours. As of now, you’ve only wasted three months with this dud; don’t make it any longer.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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