Dear Eric: My daughter recently gave birth in California to her second child one month earlier than expected. We have a good relationship and get along very well.
She notified me via text that she was in labor and on the way to the hospital. In that same text, she informed me that her mother-in-law was flying out to California that same day from New York.
I also live in New York and was not asked if I could come out the day she went into labor. I am guessing that my son-in-law contacted his mother first.
My husband and I had previously made plans to go out to California two weeks before my daughter’s due date, as per her request. We never expected the baby to come a month early.
I am very hurt that the mother-in-law was notified instead of me. Several friends seemed surprised and said, “She is out there, not you?”
I have not asked my daughter about this because I do not want to upset her since she is overly emotional right now with possible postpartum depression. My immediate family thinks I am being overly sensitive.
— Slighted Mother
Dear Mother: You’re talking about a matter of minutes between texts, if that.
I feel like I’m staring at a conspiracy board covered in screenshots of text messages and flight maps. But what I don’t see — respectfully — is a slight.
Here’s my theory: Your daughter went into labor unexpectedly; this is surprising, scary even. Her husband texted his mother. Maybe he’s dashing down the hall for the go bag while he does it. Maybe there’s chaos. Meanwhile, your daughter is trying to do a lot of things at once, including texting you and being in labor.
His mother wrote back that she was going to come. Your daughter gave you this information so that you wouldn’t feel slighted or surprised to find out that – hours later — the mother-in-law was taxiing up to the gate.
You were perfectly capable of booking a same-day flight at that moment. It’s fine that you didn’t, but stop placing the blame on your daughter.
Let go of the hurt you’ve been nursing. Now. Your daughter needs you. She has two children and is experiencing postpartum depression. This is not the moment to be caught up in one-upmanship with an in-law.
You’ll regret it if your feelings about these texts get in the way of offering her love, support, and understanding as she navigates this emotionally complicated time.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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