Dear Eric: My older sister is a recent widow. Her husband was unfaithful to her several times, but she chose to stay together.
One of his indiscretions was allegedly with a childhood friend of mine, with whom I’ve had sporadic contact over the years. The friend recently contacted me, out of the blue, to have dinner together.
Neither my sister nor I know if anything actually happened, and her husband always denied it.
My sister is now asking me to ask my friend the details of the affair. She wants to know for how long it went on, and what they did. My instinct says, “No way.” I’ve gently told her that.
I want to be supportive of my sister, but I told her I don’t know how this will help “heal” her past hurts.
She thinks it will, so she can “move on” with her life, and not “live in the past.”
My sister and I are very close, and her bringing up the past, even from our troubling childhood, is her m.o. (And yes, I have encouraged her to see a therapist, to no avail.) Either way, I believe it will further open very old wounds.
— Stumped Sister
Dear Sister: Your sister is trying to get some control over the uncontrollable. Some things that are uncontrollable here: grief, unfinished business, and secrets. I’m not certain that finding out the truth will allow her to move on if she’s not ready to release what happened.
Ask her a hard question: are you ready to forgive? Her husband can’t apologize; the friend may not apologize (or have anything to apologize for). There is a debt that she’s owed that’s uncollectable. Can she release that?
If she can’t yet — which is understandable — whatever information your friend gives you is just going to add to her grief.
Much of this is internal work that has deep roots in her relationship. Pinning her hopes to this one external interaction makes some sense, but it’s not going to help much.
Don’t let yourself get triangulated any more than you already are. Decline the invitation from your friend. And if your sister is insistent on getting answers, give her your friend’s number and let her ask herself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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