DEAR ABBY: I admire your wit and appreciate your candor, which is why I’m writing to you. I’ve been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. He’s 56; I’m 60. I hope for a life with him, marriage, a place of our own, etc. The only obstacle is his obligation to look after his aging parents and help them stay in their home, which he promised them years ago.
At first, I was OK waiting for him to finish with them and looking forward to a time for us. I tried to help. I even moved into his parents’ home with the three of them, as I am a certified home care aide, but his mother was impossible. Even though it was her idea that I move in, it became obvious that she didn’t want my help with anything. She even banned me from “her” kitchen.
I spent six months there, sleeping in my own room, separated from my love, because in their world, if you’re not married and you’re having sex, you’re a sinner who’s going to hell. Of course, we were having sex discreetly, but apparently not discreetly enough, because his mother was absolutely certain we were having sex in her house against her rules.
Abby, it was a nightmare. There was more involved, but I was ultimately turned out of the house with no notice. LONG story short: I don’t know if I can wait much longer for the life with him I want. Who knows how long this will go on. I’m losing faith it will ever work out. What do you advise?
— RESTLESS IN WASHINGTON
DEAR RESTLESS: You and your boyfriend are adults and entitled to a sex life if you want one. That he allowed his controlling mother to “turn you out of the house with no notice” (!) and couldn’t find the courage to enlighten her that if you left, he would be out of there, too, should have been the wake-up call you needed to move on.
Four and a half years has been long enough to wait. If you want the life you describe, your chances will be far better if you continue looking for a man who is available, because this one clearly isn’t.
DEAR ABBY: My son married a girl from Taiwan. She’s sweet but very uncultured. I have tried for more than 10 years to get along with her, but it has been very hard. We have nothing in common except my son.
She doesn’t cook very often, or clean or do laundry. Her English is terrible. She dresses poorly, has no interest in her home and celebrates no holidays. We are never invited to dinner. We always entertain them. They have no children.
Our relationship with our son is strong, but I have grown to dislike her. She does very little for him. Her interest in saving money at the expense of any enjoyment is sad. I don’t know what to do. Help, please.
— DISAPPOINTED IN TEXAS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: OK, so she’s not your ideal daughter-in-law. Your son married this woman for a reason. The question is, does she make HIM happy? If the answer is yes, devote your energy to focusing on that rather than your negative feelings about her. And when you entertain them, rather than do it grudgingly, remember you are doing it for HIM. (And smile.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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