Dear Eric: Please help me settle a disagreement with my wife. One day, a friend of ours, “Ed,” shared something very sensitive and embarrassing with us and asked for advice. He also asked us not to tell anyone, and, of course, we both swore to secrecy.
One week later, one of my wife’s oldest and closest friends (a “BFF”) came to visit and my wife proceeded to tell BFF about Ed’s predicament. When we were alone later, I asked my wife why she broke her promise of secrecy. She responded by saying, “I did not! My BFFs and I tell each other everything and we all keep everything to ourselves, so nobody’s ever going to hear about it.”
While BFF and Ed do not know each other, all six of the BFFs and Ed know of one another by name and there’s a slight chance their paths will cross at some point or another.
When I asked her if we should go back and ask Ed if it was OK to share his predicament with her BFFs, she got angry and said there was no reason to upset him. I then thanked her for validating my point. What say you?
— Secret Keeper
Dear Keeper: Far be it from me to wade into the murky waters of settling marital disputes, but this is cut and dried. So, I’m strapping on my Crocs and jumping in.
When you swear to not tell anyone a piece of information, there’s not a lot of fine print. Do many, if not all, of us bend the rules a little around spouses and significant others? Yes, but I can’t imagine Ed meant “don’t tell anyone except your five best friends whom I don’t know but have been assured are good secret-keepers.”
There is a difference between a story suitable for public consumption and a personal revelation shared in confidence.
Your wife took Ed’s predicament and turned it into gossip. Even if nothing bad comes of the BFFs knowing, she betrayed the trust he put in her.
She seems secure in her choice, alas, so I don’t have advice for her.
But “Ed”, if you’re reading this — best to choose more trustworthy confidantes.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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