Dear Eric: A few weeks ago, my step-mother-in-law, whom I was very close to, passed away suddenly. My husband and I spent four days in the hospital with her as she died. Afterward, my husband got a call from my brother conveying his condolences and my sister only texted me a sad face. My sister never once offered condolences to me and only a week later to my husband when she saw him. I am utterly speechless at their lack of empathy toward me, as if I didn’t lose anyone.
My sister, who lives nearby, didn’t even offer to help with a meal or anything knowing we were spending eight hours or more at the hospital. I’m not sure how to respond to this, if at all, but the bad feelings are still festering.
— Grieving Sister
Dear Sister: I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain of losing an in-law can be intense and confusing; it’s a grief that’s not always easy to make plain to people. While your siblings may know that you were close with your step-mother-in-law, they may not have fully put together that you’re going on your own journey with the grief.
It also sounds like they may have some growing to do with regard to showing care for loved ones in general.
You can address these factors by sharing with them what you’re going through. This will take vulnerability but by telling your siblings what it feels like to be you right now and, crucially, what you need to feel supported, you give them an opportunity to show up for you in the way that you want.
If they drop the ball again, seek support from elsewhere: friends, other relatives, or a therapist. You’re allowed to process this grief.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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