Dear Amy: On this recent Mother’s Day, my 50+ daughter once again asked to bring a new boyfriend to our home for a small family holiday gathering she’d been invited to. We had never met him.
It has been a pattern for her to date someone for only a few weeks, want to bring him to a special family event or holiday, when he is a complete stranger to us, and then break up with him a few weeks later.
I have said yes to this in the past, but the situation wasn’t comfortable for me and other family members, including her adult children.
This time I said no. She responded by refusing to join us.
Am I wrong to say no this time?
I want to support her, but it’s stressful for me to keep dealing with her various boyfriends, and I’m tired.
If she ever finds someone for a stable, long-term relationship, we’d be thrilled for her, but I doubt this is going to happen.
Any ideas?
— Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Bringing a stranger into your home for a family-oriented holiday meal is tough on you, and — quite possibly — tough on the new person.
I wonder if your daughter is using these family events (even unconsciously) as a way to quickly “vet” these men she chooses to date. Doing this might explain the post-party breakups.
My idea is that you should communicate the following to your daughter: “We have no problem with you dating anyone you want to date. If you like someone and want us to meet him, let’s do this in a casual way – over coffee or for a cookout at your house. If you are really into someone, we can understand why you’d want to invite him to a bigger family get ]-together, and after we meet him casually, we’ll be happy to consider including him, the way we include other partners.”
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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