Dear Amy: I am a 45-year-old married woman with three children.
I volunteer for a nonprofit organization and through this work I met a nice older woman (58) in this group. “Carol” was very nice, but over the past two years, she’s become very attached to me. This makes me uncomfortable.
She messages me over Facebook every morning and every night, and texts me multiple times a day.
Carol stops by unannounced and is very much in my space. She is very touchy.
She says I’m her best friend and that she loves me, but I don’t even think of her that way at all.
She sends extravagant gifts to me and my family frequently.
I’m trying to be nice; I don’t want to hurt her. But other than the nonprofit, we have nothing in common.
I kind of feel uncomfortable around her. She gets angry when I don’t respond to her and messages my children, telling them I’m “shutting her out.”
That’s crossing the line. I just don’t know what to do.
I just wish I had never met her.
Help!
— Concerned
Dear Concerned: This is concerning. You don’t say how old your children are or how well they know “Carol,” but she should not be sending messages to them at all — and certainly not as a way to get to you.
You need to convey to her that it is necessary for you to have stronger boundaries with her and that she needs to respect them. Tell her, “I’ve enjoyed working with you, but I am not going to move forward in friendship outside of our work together. I’m feeling crowded. I don’t feel comfortable with you stopping by the house or sending gifts to us. My spouse and I don’t want adults to contact our children without our permission. I’m asking you to respect these boundaries.”
I suggest seeing if she can respect your wishes before blocking her contact across platforms.
You should speak with your supervisor to let them know that you’re trying to handle this situation. You might ask not to have your hours overlap with Carol’s.
Save and print out any unwanted contact from Carol, and if she escalates, you may also have to escalate your response by considering a no-contact order.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
