Dear Annie: I have let myself get involved with a significantly younger guy. To make matters worse, I’m married. In my defense, before I even started talking to this other guy, my husband and I had come to a place in our marriage where we were more like roommates than husband and wife. We didn’t even share the same bedroom (which was his decision). He never showed me affection of any kind. We spoke to each other, but that was it.
I started socializing with men on social media, and I must admit I did get taken by a scammer for $12,000, which I shouldn’t have never let happen. But I have met this great guy on another site. He lives in Nigeria and is younger than me. I know Nigeria has a bad track record for scammers, but this guy really doesn’t seem like he would be into that stuff.
As for my husband… I care for him and don’t want to keep hurting him but my love for him isn’t the way it should be. Yet, I can’t bring myself to leave him.
The guy in Nigeria begs me to fly to see him. We FaceTime each other and talk on the phone so much and text each other when he’s not working. We are constantly on the phone — or we were, anyway. Lately, I have noticed that often I text him, call him or FaceTime him, and he doesn’t respond back. Then finally, three days later, he will text back and ask when am I flying to him. I question him on why or what happened I haven’t heard from him. His answer is always that he’s been busy working. I’ve noticed that whenever I mention getting extra pay at work, he responds right away.
Annie, maybe, deep down, my heart is saying that maybe he is a scammer and actually doesn’t feel about me the way I’d hoped he would.
I get nostalgic looking back on how he treated me four months ago when we first started talking, and it’s not the same. I’ve brought this up with him, but he just insists he’s working to make a good life for us when I come.
— Love Two Men
Dear Love Two: In case your heart isn’t saying it loudly enough, I’ll add my voice to the chorus: This man is a scammer. If that weren’t reason enough to lose his number, there’s also the fact of your marriage. You and your husband took vows, and that still means something, even if you’ve grown apart. You owe it to yourselves to try bridging the gulf. Tell him how you’re longing for intimacy and affection; commit to marriage counseling together. (There are also online counseling options available, such as BetterHelp and Couples Therapy Inc.)
If you’ve completely moved on and are going to continue seeing other men, OK, fine. But at least first give your husband the courtesy of a divorce — and don’t give new suitors your credit card numbers, passwords, Social Security number, birthdate or other personal data.
Read on for a few additional tips, courtesy of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Beware if the individual seems too perfect or quickly asks you to leave a dating service or social media site to communicate directly.
Beware if the individual requests inappropriate photos or financial information.
Beware if the individual promises to meet in person but then always comes up with an excuse why he or she can’t. If you haven’t met the person after a few months, for whatever reason, you have good reason to be suspicious.
Never send money to anyone you have only communicated with online or by phone.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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