Dear Annie: My husband’s side of the family has been really close his whole life, and it’s a large family. When the pandemic hit, we lost touch with a lot of people. Then we lost a few members of the family in the last couple of years. Included in that loss was my husband’s grandfather, who always threw the summer barbecues. It was a great time and the ONLY time my kids ever got to see their cousins and great aunts.
Now my husband and I are currently the only ones on his side of the family who own a house with a small yard and pool. We have been here 13 years and have had many get-togethers where we invited everyone, yet very few people would come. We always give lots of notice. But most are unwilling to drive the 50 minutes to our house after YEARS of us doing that same drive to see everyone.
I’m starting to get annoyed when I see them at a funeral or they send me a message saying how they “miss us all and we should get together real soon!” Because we will then reach out and be blown off. Most of them refuse to even RSVP, which I find incredibly rude when I’m trying to plan food.
The last incident was this summer. I gave everyone five weeks’ notice for a big family barbecue. My children were so excited to meet cousins they haven’t met before and to see the ones that they haven’t seen in years. Most people did not RSVP even after I reached out for one after weeks of silence. But a few families told me they were definite. So I planned for all the definites and for some that might show up.
Only two people showed. Two people! After spending hundreds of dollars on food and making sure the yard looked beautiful and the pool was clean, I had to listen to my children ask me all day long when their cousins would be here. They never came! It broke my kids’ hearts, and I’m not willing to see them like that again, and I’m not willing to waste my time and money anymore.
Also, we are rarely invited to anything unless it’s a 48-hour notice for a kid’s birthday party.
Am I wrong if I stop inviting everyone to get-togethers other than his siblings?
I’m so annoyed, and I’m afraid I will snap the next time a family member whines that we should see each other more often.
— Tired of Trying
Dear Tired of Trying: Of course you are frustrated with your family. Not responding to an invitation is bad enough, but to RSVP yes and then not show up is a new level of rude.
As frustrating as that all is, it’s important to at least try to see the situation from their perspectives. The most likely explanation is that they do want to see you, but they are busy with hectic lives of their own and let your invite fall through the cracks. That’s not an excuse, but hopefully this mindset shift can help you let go of some of your resentment.
Moving forward, I would focus on smaller get-togethers with only those family members who are willing to make the effort.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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