Dear Eric: I have known my friend Steve for more than 10 years. He is a different race than me, but race has never been an issue until recently. I texted him to compliment him on how his looks, personality, and family life remind me of a well-known actor who is a well-respected family man and good-looking. It was a compliment.
He responded by telling me that he was offended by the racist comment and to retract the comment. I refuse because the actor has done nothing illegal, has a good character, is a positive family man, is a good actor and is nice-looking. All characters Steve has. I’m at a loss. How do I respond?
—Compliment
Dear Compliment: It seems easiest to tell Steve, “I meant no harm by what I said, and I’m sorry that it offended you.” Not only is this the truth, but it doesn’t needlessly prolong a conflict that doesn’t really impact either of you.
It’s clear that either Steve doesn’t see the actor in the same way or doesn’t think that he resembles the actor. If that’s the case, then your compliment may come across as an indication that you don’t see him in all his complexity. Maybe this has happened before with others and you’re getting the blowback from it. Who knows. You don’t need to belabor the point, but saying “sorry” and moving on will free you both.
And, if you can both move on, you can—if you want—ask him to tell you more about his reaction to the actor. But it’s not really about the actor, or your feelings about the actor. It’s about your friendship and the opportunity to get to know Steve better. Asking a friend, “why do you think that?”—in a non-charged way—or “can you tell me more about your feelings?” can open up the door to great conversation and new understanding all around.
Dear Eric: I chuckled out loud when I read the letter from “Giftless”, who was angry that her daughter didn’t get wedding gifts from some friends that weren’t invited to the wedding. A few years ago, the son of one of my best friends got married in a small ceremony at a destination spot. We were not invited, understandably.
As I’ve known this man since he was a small child, my husband and I sent a card and generous check, just because we were happy for them. His mom called me the week after and said, “why in the world did you send them a gift? You weren’t even invited!” Couldn’t be more different than the letter writer. Just goes to show people can have many different takes on a situation/event!
—Gift-ful
Dear Gift-ful: Exactly! Different strokes for different folks. Gifts are expressions of love and affection, not debts owed for invitations.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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